周一疲憊的孩子、藏起來的手機、頻繁的請假…看明德如何破解成長困境?

　　各位家長們好，當您點開這篇文章，就說明了一點：你們非常在乎自己孩子的未來，也愿意認真思考，怎樣才能真正幫助他們成長。

　　本文的主題是“同心 賦能”。

　　這兩個詞看起來很漂亮，但它并不是一個抽象的口號，而是非常具體的現實：孩子正站在兩股強大力量的正中間

　　——一個是家庭，一個是學校。

　　如果這兩股力量方向一致，孩子就會變得更堅強;如果用力方向相反，受到撕扯的就是孩子自己。

　　事情其實就這么簡單，也就這么嚴重。

　　Dear parents, when you open this article, this shows you care deeply about your children’s future and you’re willing to think seriously about how to best support them.

　　Our theme is “Empowerment through Unity.” Of course that sounds nice in an article, but it’s actually something very concrete: your child stands in the middle of two powerful forces, the family and the school. If those two forces are aligned, the child becomes stronger. If they pull in opposite directions, the child is torn apart. It really is that simple and that serious.

　　——來自北京東方紅學校明德學院外方學監在家長會中的深度分享

*外方學監Jeremiah Pagels家長會中分享-1

01

PART

愛與規則,成長之基

　　在過去一年里，我們明顯感到學生在心理層面的掙扎越來越多：焦慮增加，情緒波動變大，睡眠問題變多，說“我撐不住了”的孩子也更多。

　　仔細去追根溯源，我們發現問題往往并不是從課堂本身開始的，而是出在家庭環境：親子關系的質量是混亂還是穩定，有沒有清晰的規則和持續的關愛。

　　“這不是在指責家長，而是在如實描述現實，并真誠地邀請大家與學校建立更緊密的合作關系，以便于學校和家庭，可以一起更加理性、有效地應對這些挑戰。”

　　Over the past year, we’ve seen a noticeable increase in psychological struggles among students, more anxiety, more emotional instability, more sleep problems, more students who say, “I can’t cope.” And when we look carefully, we see that the source is often not in the classroom. It’s in the home environment: the quality of the relationship between parents and children, the level of chaos or stability, the presence, or absence, of clear rules and consistent love.

　　Now, I want to be clear: this is not about blaming parents. This is about describing reality honestly and asking for a strong partnership, so that we, school and home together, can respond intelligently.

*外方學監Jeremiah Pagels家長會中分享-2

　　心理學家幾十年來的研究一再證明：影響孩子成長的核心因素，就是他們與重要他人

　　——尤其是父母之間的關系質量。

　　結論非常清晰：當照顧孩子的成年人既溫暖、在情感上真正“在場”，又有堅定而一致的邊界時，孩子的發展狀況是最好的。

　　既不是冷酷嚴厲的一端，也不是什么都不管、完全放任的另一端，而是介于兩者之間：有感情，也有規矩；有愛，也有規則。

　　這種教育方式，并不只是讓孩子“聽話懂事”而已，它在技術層面上塑造的是一種人格特質

　　——責任心、能按時出現、能踏實用功、敢說真話、能延遲滿足、愿意為結果負責。

　　研究顯示，這種特質是預測孩子在學習和人生中能否成功的最強指標之一。

　　而它不是憑空長出來的，而是在一種環境中慢慢形成：在這種環境中，孩子同時非常清楚兩件事

　　—— “我被愛著”，以及“我被期待成長”。

　　Psychologists have known for decades that one important factor in a child’s development is the quality of their relationships, especially with their parents. The research is very straightforward: children do best when the adults who care for them are warm, emotionally present, and also firm and consistent. Not harsh and cold on one side, not permissive and “anything goes” on the other. Something in the middle: affection plus structure. Love plus rules.

　　That kind of parenting doesn’t just create “good kids” in a moral sense. It builds something very technical: conscientiousness, the ability to show up, work hard, tell the truth, delay gratification, and take responsibility. That trait is one of the strongest predictors of success in school and in life. And it doesn’t appear by magic. It grows in environments where children know two things at the same time: “I am loved,” and “I am expected to grow.”

02

PART

家庭周末，心的聯結

　　再加上一個現實：孩子們每周大部分時間都在學校，這對我們是很大的責任，我們也非常嚴肅地看待這一點。

　　但這并沒有削弱家庭的重要性，某種意義上反而放大了家庭的影響力。

　　因為你們在周末與孩子相處的有限時間，就像一種“強效藥”

　　——如果這段時間是溫暖、穩定、真誠的，這份力量就足以支撐他們度過一周的挑戰;

　　——如果這兩天充滿了爭吵、批評、冷漠或彼此斷聯，這種負面也同樣會被放大，而他們會在周日晚上把這一切帶回學校。

　　Now, add to that the fact that your children are here most of the week. That’s a huge responsibility for us, and we take it seriously. But it does not reduce the importance of the family. In some ways, it increases it. Because the limited time you have with them on the weekend becomes extremely concentrated. It’s like a strong medicine: if the relationship is warm, stable, and honest, even in a short window, that can sustain them through a tough week. If those two days are filled with tension, criticism, distance, or total disconnection, that also amplifies. They carry that back with them on Sunday night.

*Jeremiah日常上課

　　校長的觀察：

　　每到周一，我們能看到一些孩子明顯是“沒有真正休息好”

　　——身體沒休息好，情緒也沒休息好。

　　有的周末被安排得滿滿當當，有的被冷落，有的在家里經歷了很多沖突。

　　這些痕跡，一走進教室，我們就能感受到。

　　所以，如果我們認真談論“同心賦能”，就必須坦誠地談一談家里到底發生了什么，您是如何跟孩子說話的?

　　是“你考了多少分、排第幾名”?

　　還是“你最近真的過得怎么樣”?

　　在那短短的周末時間里，你們之間有沒有一些真正的鏈接?

　　一起吃頓飯、一起散個步、聊一聊不只是“作業做完了嗎”的話題。

　　I’ll be direct: we see students on Monday who look like they haven’t really rested, not physically, not emotionally. Sometimes they’ve been over-scheduled, sometimes they’ve been ignored, sometimes they’ve been fought with. And it shows.

　　So if we are going to talk about “Empowerment through Unity,” we have to talk honestly about what happens at home. About how you speak to your child. About whether you ask them how they are really doing, or only what their rank or scores are. About whether, in those short weekend hours, there is any real connection, a shared meal, a walk, a conversation that goes beyond “Did you finish your homework?”

03

PART

手機有度，成長有路

　　除此之外，我們還不得不談一個很現實的問題：手機。

　　現代社會給了我們一個新的難題，而我們才剛剛開始理解它的嚴重性。

　　大量研究數據已經反復顯示同樣的結論：當青少年花大量時間盯著屏幕

　　——尤其是深夜，尤其是刷社交媒體和打游戲。

　　他們的睡眠會變差，情緒會變糟，注意力會下降，學習成績也隨之下滑。

　　這不是道德評判，而是客觀數據所呈現的事實。

　　And then, on top of all that, we have to talk about phones. This is where the modern world has given us a problem that we are only just beginning to understand. We now have very large data sets that show the same pattern over and over again: when teenagers spend a lot of time on screens, especially late at night, especially on social media and games, their sleep declines, their mood worsens, their focus weakens, and their academic performance drops. This is not a moral opinion. This is just what the numbers say.

　　青少年的大腦還在快速發育中，它真正需要的是：充足的睡眠、真實的人際互動，以及一段段“無事可做的安靜時光”。

　　當一個學生凌晨一點還在打游戲或刷短視頻，他不僅僅是在熬夜不睡覺，更是在訓練自己的大腦：

　　習慣于不斷尋求刺激、逃避困難、無法專注深入。

　　“我們要求他們在周一早上坐在教室里，安靜聽講、深度思考——這就好像讓一個通宵抽煙喝酒的人去跑馬拉松，我們不應該對他撐不住感到驚訝。”

　　在學校這邊，我們通過嚴格管理來盡量控制手機的使用：統一上交、制定規則、加強監管。

　　但你們可能已經知道或者還不知道，很多學生其實有兩部甚至更多的手機

　　——一部交給學校，另一部藏在身上。

　　而這些“備用手機”并不是憑空出現的，或許是家長出于“想給孩子多一點自由”、“心疼孩子”或者“手機而已，沒那么嚴重”的想法買給他們的。

　　但我要很認真地說：這件事非常嚴重。

　　The adolescent brain is still wiring itself. It needs sleep, real human interaction, and periods of boredom and quiet to develop properly. When a student is up at 1:00 a.m. gaming or scrolling through endless short videos, they are not only losing sleep; they are training their brain to constantly seek stimulation, to avoid difficulty, and to never go deep. Then we ask them on Monday morning to sit still, pay attention, and think hard. That’s like asking someone to run a marathon after they’ve spent the whole night smoking and drinking. We shouldn’t be surprised when they collapse.

　　At school, we try to control this by limiting phone use. We collect devices, we set rules, we monitor. But, as you may or may not know, many students have multiple phones: one they hand in and one they hide. And very often, those extra phones do not appear out of thin air. They may be purchased by parents who want their child to have “freedom” or who feel sorry for them, or who think, “It’s just a phone, it’s not a big deal.” It is a big deal.

*我校的手機管理箱(由班主任統一管理一周)

　　如果學校說“手機必須限制使用”，而家長卻對孩子說“沒關系，我再給你買一部，別被發現就好”。

　　那么，孩子從中學到的將是一件極其危險的事情：規則可以是兒戲，權威也可以是戲弄，眼前的舒服比長遠的健康更重要。

　　這不是在“賦能”，而是在訓練孩子變得軟弱，自己親手培養出來軟弱。

　　你可能會想：

　　“不就是多玩一小時游戲嗎?”“不就是刷刷社交媒體嗎，哪個孩子不刷?”

　　但當我們從幾百個學生的整體數據來看，這“多一小時”就變成了穩定的模式：睡眠不足、注意力下降、學習跟不上、情緒變得更差，心理問題愈演愈烈。

　　接著就出現了熟悉的場景：學校被指責、老師被指責、孩子被指責“還不夠努力”。

　　可事實上，真正的根源是：孩子所處的環境，和他們的大腦所能承受的范圍，之間存在巨大的錯位。

　　There is a very simple truth here: if the school says, “Phones are limited,” and the parent says, “Don’t worry, I’ll give you another one; just don’t get caught,” then the child learns a very powerful lesson: rules is a game, authority is a joke, and short-term comfort is more important than long-term health. That is the opposite of empowerment. That is training for weakness by yourself.

　　You might think, “It’s just one extra hour of games,” or, “It’s just social media; all kids do that.” But when we look across hundreds of students, that “one extra hour” becomes a pattern: they sleep less, they pay less attention, they fall behind, they feel worse, and the psychological problems get worse. And then the school gets blamed, or the teachers get blamed, or the student gets blamed for not “trying hard enough,” when in fact the real problem is a massive mismatch between the environment and what a teenager’s brain can handle.

*班級教室

04

PART

守時出勤，成長蓄力

　　還有一個與“同心”高度相關、但經常被忽視的地方，就是出勤率。

　　在所有教育研究里，有一個聽起來很“無聊”的結論，卻非常可靠：穩定的出勤率，與更好的學業成績和更穩定的情緒狀態高度相關。

　　那些一周又一周堅持來上課的學生，往往學得更好。

　　一方面因為他們不會錯過關鍵講解，另一方面因為這種有規律的節奏本身，就在給他們的身心“打地基”。

　　然而，我們看到的情況是：學生請假的頻率在上升。

　　當然，有些請假是完全必要、合理的。

　　但也有不少請假，僅僅是因為“在學校待著有點辛苦”，或者是因為“存在外部壓力”，這就把短期舒適優先于長期成長了。

　　當家長一次又一次為并非必要的請假簽字時，實際上默默傳遞了一個信息：“只要覺得有困難，來不來學校也無所謂”。

　　這不僅削弱了學習效果，也消耗了孩子的責任感和抗壓能力。

　　There’s another place where this question of unity shows up very clearly, and that’s attendance.  One of the strongest and most boring findings in all of education research is that consistent attendance predicts better academic results and better emotional stability. It’s not exciting or surprising, but it’s true: students who are in class, week after week, tend to do better, partly because they don’t miss key explanations, and partly because the routine itself is stabilizing.

　　However, we’ve seen more and more cases where students are taking frequent leave, sometimes for reasons that are truly necessary, but sometimes simply because it’s uncomfortable to be here, or because there is pressure from outside, to prioritize short-term comfort over long-term growth. When parents sign off on unnecessary leave again and again, it sends a quiet message: school is optional when it’s difficult.

*學生日常上課

　　當你把這些因素疊加起來

　　——深夜刷手機、支離破碎的睡眠、頻繁的請假。

　　你就會明白，為什么有些學生總是覺得整個人是“飄著的、不穩定的”。

　　這些選擇都不是中性的，每一個選擇都會塑造孩子的思想和品格。

　　給家長的建議：

　　在為孩子簽字請假之前，請先認真想一想。

　　當然，生病、家庭突發事件、重要的就診安排，這些都是真實而合理的需要;

　　但如果我們希望孩子變得堅韌，而不是脆弱，就必須幫助他們學會堅持留在“賽場里”，哪怕累一點、壓力大一點，也盡量把課上完。

　　所謂“同心”，在這里就意味著：學校和家庭都把出勤當作一種對承和責任的日常訓練，而不是一個可有可無的形式。

　　That undermines not just learning, but the student’s sense of responsibility and resilience. When you put those pieces together, late-night phones, fragmented sleep, and frequent leave, you start to see why some students feel constantly unstable. None of these choices are neutral; they all shape a child’s mind and character.

　　So, I would ask you to think very carefully before you approve leave. Of course there are genuine needs, health, family emergencies, important appointments. But if we want your children to be strong, not fragile, we need to help them stay in the game, to show up even when they’re tired or stressed. Unity here means that school and family both treat attendance not as a formality, but as a daily training in commitment.

*學生日常上課

05

PART

同心聚力，育德養能

　　那么，在這樣的現實之下，“同心”到底意味著什么?

　　它并不意味著我們在每一個細節上都完全一致，也不意味著家長不能質疑學校，或者學校不能對家庭的選擇提出建議。

　　它真正的含義是：我們對現實有共同的認識，并愿意朝著同一個方向用力。

　　這意味著，當學校在手機管理和出勤方面劃下清晰的“紅線”時，家長在家里是配合并加強這些邊界，而不是悄無聲息地削弱。

　　也意味著，學校這邊要不斷優化制度，向學生講清楚這些規則背后的原因，并接受家長和社會的監督。

　　細節可以協商，但在“睡眠是否充足、能否專注、能不能按時出勤”這些最基本的事情上，我們絕不能發出相反的信號。

　　So what does unity look like in this context?  It does not mean that we agree on every detail. It does not mean that you never question the school or that we never question family choices. What it does mean is that we recognize the same reality and move in the same direction.

　　It means that when the school sets serious boundaries on phone use and attendance, parents reinforce those boundaries at home instead of quietly undermining them.  It means that we, on our side, keep improving our systems, keep educating students about why these rules exist, and keep ourselves accountable. We can negotiate details, but we cannot afford to send opposite messages about something as basic as sleep, focus, and showing up.

　　“同心”還意味著，我們對“什么叫成功”有一個共同的愿景。

　　在國內，考試壓力極其巨大：學校感受得到，家長感受得到，學生更是首當其沖。

　　最簡單的做法，就是把一切都壓縮成一個分數、一份錄取通知書。

　　但如果我們只用這一條來衡量，就一定會做出很多錯誤的決定：

　　“我們會把學生推到心理承受能力之外，會忽視那些已經亮起的危險信號，會讓一個冷冰冰的數字，比面前這個鮮活的人更重要。”

　　Unity also means we share the same vision for what success looks like. In China, the pressure around exams is enormous. We feel it as a school; you feel it as parents; the students feel it most of all. The easy thing to do is to define success purely as a score or a university offer. But if that becomes the only measure, we will make very bad decisions. We will push students beyond what is psychologically sustainable. We will ignore warning signs. We will value the number more than the person.

*夏令營期間學生烹飪

　　緩解以上情況：

　　我想提出一種不太一樣的“優先順序”。

　　考試重要，它確實能打開或關閉某些大門，但它應該被當作一座座里程碑，而不是孩子價值的全部定義。

　　如果我們坦誠一點，就會承認：我們真正的目標，是幫助他們成長為這樣一類青年

　　——心理健康，有道德底線，能專注投入地學習，也有能力建立穩定而良好的關系。

　　“如果他們具備這些品質，人生成功的概率就已經非常高了，不管分數精確到多少;如果這些品質都沒有，再高的分數也保護不了他們。”

　　所以，當您和孩子談論學校、談論學習時，我真心希望您關注的不僅是“你這次考了多少分”，還包括：

　　“你正在變成一個什么樣的人”

　　“你有沒有學會按時出勤、穩定出勤?”

　　“有沒有學會說真話，在枯燥和困難面前還能堅持?”

　　“有沒有學會尊重他人?”

　　“睡眠是否充足?"

　　"飲食是否健康?"

　　他們體內有沒有在慢慢形成一種“內部結構”，讓他們將來有能力扛起成年人的責任和壓力?

　　I want to suggest a different hierarchy. Exams are important; they matter; they open or close certain doors. But they should be treated as milestones, not as the definition of your child’s worth. Our real goal, if we are honest, is to help them become young adults who are mentally healthy, morally grounded, capable of focused work, and able to form strong relationships. If they have those qualities, the probability that they will succeed in life is very high, regardless of the exact exam score. If they don’t have those qualities, no score can protect them.

　　So when you speak to your children about school, I would ask you to pay attention not only to “What score did you get?” but also to “Who are you becoming?” Are they learning to show up on time, to be in class consistently, to tell the truth, and to persist when things are boring or difficult? To treat others with respect? are they sleeping enough? Eating properly? Are they developing the internal structure that will allow them to carry the weight of adult life?

*我校學生全英文向使團介紹學校環境

06

PART

家校同心，賦能成長

　　從學校這一端，我們會繼續致力于營造一個支持這些目標的環境：

　　有清晰的期待，有公正的規則，有真正關心學生的老師，有在出現問題時可以求助的心理支持與輔導，以及一套要求嚴格但絕不刻意嚴苛的課程體系。

　　從家庭這一端，我們并不期待“完美父母”。

　　家長也是人，也會累，也有壓力，也會犯錯，這都很正常。

　　我們真正期待的是理念契合：

　　您愿意認真面對家庭環境對孩子的影響

　　愿意在手機和屏幕使用上劃出真實的界限

　　愿意把周末不僅僅當成補課和加練的時間，而是用來修復和加深親子關系的機會

　　愿意在周日把盡可能休息好、情緒相對穩定的孩子送回學校

　　From our side, we are committed to creating a school environment that supports these things: clear expectations, fair rules, teachers who genuinely care, counselors who can help when problems arise, and a curriculum that, while demanding, is not deliberately inhuman.

　　From your side, what we need is not perfection. Parents are human; you are tired, you are under pressure, you make mistakes. That’s normal. What we need is alignment: that you take seriously the impact of your home environment, that you set real limits on phones and screens, that you treat your weekends not just as extra tutoring time but as a chance to build a secure relationship, and that you send your children back to us on Sunday evening feeling at least somewhat rested and emotionally held.

*文安支教

　　周末親子時光建議：

　　與其安排滿滿的補習班，不如嘗試：一起準備一頓飯、一起散步聊天、一起看一部有意義的電影、或者只是安靜地陪伴彼此。

　　這些看似平凡的時刻，恰恰是孩子最需要的情感滋養。

　　倘若家校能夠同心同向，共同踐行這些理念，您們的孩子必將受益終身。

　　他們能真切感受到：身邊的成年人并非在相互爭奪，也并非將他們視為攀比的籌碼。

　　而是真正攜手同心，期盼他們成長為堅強、健康、有能力的成年人。

　　在我看來，"同心賦能"的真諦正在于此。

　　我們共同認同：孩子不是獎杯，不是項目，不是機器，他們是正在成長中的人。

　　通過我們共同制定的電子設備使用規則，共同秉持的學業要求，以及在校門內外雙方給予的關愛與穩定守護，我們正在攜手構建塑造他們未來的成長環境。

　　最后，感謝大家愿意與學校并肩同行。

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